Do you ever feel you’re somewhere between a Deja-vu and a nostalgic trip?
Did the metro ride become sad because there was not a single known face there? Even if you’re going to meet your friends, is the spark gone?
You might’ve faced all this or might be facing this, but let me tell you, you’re not alone. During my college days travelling used to be fun. The local trains were like my best friends – always accommodating, sometimes late, at times smelly but always there when you needed them. Metros were the same but a little fancier. Didn’t smell, were on time, had the high ground – overall nice.
I always thought I loved travelling in them because they were full of character but it was the end journey which used to give me peace (and joy?) There are these sample humans whose existence makes your life better. Maybe their weirdness is at the same frequency or maybe they too have faced the same trauma. Nonetheless, their existence works. It just does. And you don’t really have to fuck around with them to be happy. You could simply share a cheap unhealthy burger with a bunch of them by contributing your hard begged pocket money and it feels good.
It is all a rosy picture and everybody just farts rainbows day in and day out but one day it all just goes away. You never know when you will eat that ultra delicious unhealthy burger for the last time. All you remember is the after taste. And then as the days go by, you remember yourself remembering the after taste. After a few months, all that is left is you with tons of recursive thoughts and no idea on how to stop them.
You still have a lot of stuff going on in your new life which kind of balances the void within you. But even that goes away! Damn the truth in the Bhagwad Geeta – it is so correct and appropriate that it becomes irritating. Nothing lasts forever, not even your Rs.5 worth Apsara non dust eraser, which you either lose or chew it off.
Now you’ve sorted things out, the challenges your earlier life threw at you have been settled. Afterall, you’re a master at sorting broken things now. You’ve faced enough situations to know how to deal with a variety of them. You’ve a fair bit of ‘formula’ to get past things.
Umm, nope. The very moment you think you’ve figured out 1% of it, you’re cordially fucked. Remember the emotional void you had in the past which you were balancing with the new found abundance of challenges and new experiences? It has come to pay you a visit.
No, you’ve not become anti-social. And no, you’re not a weird person now. You had all these traits earlier too. You do talk to your friends, partner and family regularly. It is all good on the surface, but deep within is a void. And frankly speaking you’ve no idea how to deal with it. You’ve tried exploring new places, cycling, trying out all sorts of soul satisfying biryanis but that stupid void still sticks. It is that B grade movie stuck on the wall with stick no bills painted on it. It is just there, like your social incapability of expressing yourself like a sane normal human.
Your friends are also going through a host of new experiences. You now talk memes. All you have is older memories and new memes to casually point to it. It is good. Good that the friends still talk to you – but something is missing. I badly want to say – It’s not me it’s you but this isn’t true. It has always been me.
Then one fine day on a nice summer morning when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming and the AQI is perfect, you plan to meet your friends. Ones with which you had that ultra delicious unhealthy burger. You’re all excited but then the train ride isn’t that exciting. It seems to lack its mojo. Maybe it’s the excessive crowding. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybelline. By the time you figure it out, you’ve reached and now your friends are here to meet you. But these are not the ones you remember remembering the last day with, these are some evolved humans who have the same traits but somehow are different. Then somewhere from the back of your head a voice comes up – ‘Change is the only constant dumbass.’ Just because you were not there doesn’t mean they’ll not evolve.
I mean yeah, sure. That’s a good thing. But why do I get fixed hours to catch up with all the new information? Feels like I got a few hours with an inmate to update them about the world.
You know what, even this is fine. To cope with this, you move to a new city but alas there are no friends here. Some were supposed to come, but then life happened. You changed jobs too, so now the earlier work friends are also far away. You’re awkward enough to delay making new friends. Your social skills were never your forte, you ‘thought’ you liked living alone. Lol. You always needed those humans with whom it felt good. Yes, your partner and family are still there, will always be but those stupid humans aren’t. And the void is now supercharged.
Now this void makes you question stuff. You want to talk your heart out with your new friends but it feels like oversharing and you feel uneasy. What will they think? Will they ever fill the void you’ve been carrying?
You decide to talk about it and people listen to you. They’ve always been nice. But you’re still not okay. All the old friends and the new help you out but you still don’t feel good.
You badly want to say – It’s not me it’s you but this isn’t true. It has always been you and the void that’s still there.
Maybe it will go away. Maybe you’ll find the answer for your uneasiness. Maybe this too shall pass.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybelline.
Abhishek Singh 
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