Unconventional Love

   

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The weather was poetically romantic. A  cool breeze and light drizzle added to the lovely ambiance of that evening. The atmosphere was so romantic that even Shakti Kapoor would’ve skipped his evil plans to dance around trees. Love was in the air. I was sitting by the window, delved into Agatha’s world. The swinging chair added to the comfort. There couldn’t have been any better time to read a murder mystery, that too by Agatha Christie. After all, romance and murder have a centuries-old connection.
Five minutes later, I was done with the novel. A momentary glance outside the window made me espy a couple who couldn’t help but get drenched in the rain. Aashiqui 3 was in the making.
The love index in the above two stanzas is more than 500% as compared to my normal level. I’m sorry if you’re expecting a gooey love story. You can’t expect that from me. I’m not going to break any stereotype. You should always follow this equation, when in doubt –
“Engineer + rain = (Tea + Cigarette)/(Alcohol + Cigarette)/ (Novel + Alcohol (optional))”
I’m no Nicholas Sparks! I’ll tell you what happened after I saw that couple enjoying the rain. I felt pity for them, for they might have caught a cold after that. And trust me, even the three golden words get rusted when you have a sore throat and a mucous filled nose. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s reality. A moment of happiness followed by a week-long blocked nose. The choice is yours. I’ve shown you the tradeoff between the two, now decide on your own.
I don’t have a problem with the people in love. The problem lies in the things they do when they’re in love. I’m not a whiner, I’m a realist. When I see a glass half full with water I know that it has nothing to do with the clichéd experiment of classifying beings, it is only meant to appease your thirst.
There is one practice that is ubiquitous in lover’s world – presenting bouquets/flowers to their lady love. There are two big downsides to this. 
  1. You upset Mother Earth by using the polythene that is used to wrap the flowers as they harm the environment. Moreover, the flowers eventually end up in the dustbin.
  2. You deprive a bee of its cocktail. Would you dare snatch a bottle of Old Monk from a guy/drunkard? Would you? NO! Then how can you deprive a bee of its own ‘Old Monk’? Isn’t that cruel? How can you snatch someone’s selfless love for your own selfish one?

The solution to these problems isn’t some rocket science formula. Generally people don’t understand the basic logic behind the various conventions we practice. Presenting flowers is the main purpose here, the outside packaging isn’t. The girl is interested in the flowers and the person who gave it to her. Sure, the packaging adds to the value, but there are better alternatives.
Take my advice and from next time gift her a flower pot instead. There are numerous advantages of gifting flower pot instead of bouquets –
  • They’re made of mud. So they are environment-friendly. If Mother Earth is happy, she’ll keep you happy.
  • Every girl has to face numerous jerks. So to get rid of them, she can throw the flower pot at them. This has additional benefits apart from good riddance from the jerk. Firstly, it will remind her that you take her security seriously since you empowered her by gifting her an eco-friendly weapon. Secondly, even if the pot breaks, the plant is safe. Buy her another one. And this cycle continues. You’re making this world a better place. New pot, new jerk. Make it a couple sport; your next double date agenda. Wear the number of jerks hit as a badge. Be proud. Flaunt it. Who knows your girl might turn into a dart champion?
  • You can experiment with a variety of plants. Try gifting a mango tree sapling. There are advantages to this too. Firstly, this is one heck of a unique idea. Do you know anyone who did something like this for their girlfriend/wife? NO! See, it is unique. Secondly, developing gardening as a hobby has its own benefits. Nurturing a plant is like taking care of a baby minus the management of pee and poop. You’ll turn out to be a better parent. (Girls secretly love this quality! You’ll score good bro.) Thirdly, if you do get married, this mango tree will be the symbol of your love. Tall and strong, just like your love. This will set a precedent before your kids. Think about it. And there’s more to it. When your wife gets pregnant and she craves for something sour, you have your home grown green mango nurtured with love. That’s romantic as hell! You can even dance around your home grown trees. There’s no need for traveling to far-off places to satiate the Bollywoodish craving of dancing around trees.  
  • If you want to take things to a whole new level, I have something for you too. Gift her a small Banyan/Pipal tree. This may sound weird at first, but read on. If you are a die-hard romantic who loves classic Bollywood romantic films, if you say things as cheesy as the cheese burst pizza, if you support the awwww movement, if you have a romantic poem ready for every possible situation, if you believe in eternal love, then my friend Banyan/Pipal tree sapling is totally your thing. If you’re the type mentioned above, then you probably won’t settle for anything less than 7 janam wala pyar (Love of the order of Chuck Norris times Rajinikanth). Correct? If this is the case, how will you propose to your loved one? Please don’t go with the clichéd ones. Imagine a hypothetical situation in which you’re to present a banyan tree sapling as a gift to your beloved. Boy:” My love, I’ve bought something for you.” Girl:” Oh really? What is it?” Boy:” Accept this sapling as a token of our love. We’ll stay together, will overcome every difficulty that may cross our way. Our relationship will grow strong with time just like this sapling and even death won’t set us apart.” Girl:”Awww! So sweet of you. But how can you be so sure that even death won’t separate us?” (The girl is a realist, just like me.) Boy:” Because after our death we’ll turn into ghosts and will stay on the Banyan tree forever and ever. I’ve even started studying ‘tree houses 101’.” Hearing this, the girl breaks into tears and kisses him. Fast forward 50 years, they haunt the area together and after 50 more years, even their kids join them. If you wait for another 50 years, you’ll see that their grandchildren have also joined the bandwagon. You get my point. Right? Girls don’t like false promises. Every guy in love, promises to love her for eternity. How many can prove it? No one but you, mister! 
  • You all know that some crazy lovers carve out their names on historical sites, trees, and eventoilets. What if I tell you that you can do that without causing harm to anyone? You just need some colors and, of course, a flower pot. Even if you’re the Crime Master Gogo of painting, don’t be afraid, you can still do it. When you visit your girlfriend’s house, gift her the flower pot and ask her to paint it with you. Statistically speaking, there are >79% chances that she’ll agree. Now just play along, make any pattern as you like. Draw the famous heart and arrow with your name on it or something of your choice. And since you aren’t a skilled painter, some of the paint will spill out and might land on your face. You can then mischievously ask her to wipe it off. Then you playfully paint a stroke on her cheek, she reciprocates and I’m sure you’re not an idiot, you’ve seen plenty of movies to know where this leads to. For people who want to see the censored melodrama version, here’s what happened next. Both of them applied paint on each other’s cheeks and suddenly they fell on the sofa. They have the paint brush in their hand. The flower pot with roses is on the table, alongside the sofa. They are lost in each other’s eyes, the distance between their faces is decreasing at an alarming rate, a saxophone starts playing and then… And then you only see the flower pot with roses shaking vehemently in front of their faces while both of them warm up for the Ludo game to be played afterward. 

At this point, you might have realized how important it is to change our perspective. We often tend to overlook the basic concept behind things and we pay more heed to the unnecessary ornamental objects meant just for beautification. From now on, try to adhere to the fundamentals, keep it simple. Even one of the nerdiest personalities of the TV industry, Leonard Hofstader of The Big Bang Theory fame, presented a preserved snowflake from the South Pole. That is the nerdiest gift possible, but his girlfriend liked it, rather loved it. He didn’t do anything over the top gooey, and yet it was effective because he adhered to the basics. Overtly romantic stuff is stupid as hell. Simplicity is the best.

P.S. Girls, gift your boyfriend/husband any Batman merchandise. That’s enough.
P.P.S The above thought process explains why I’m still single. Way too unconventional thinking degrades the charm. Sigh!

8 responses to “Unconventional Love”

  1. Meeky Scribbler Avatar
    Meeky Scribbler

    Ludo eh ? Better hope he gets a 6-6-3 then…

    Like

  2. Vasundhara Dhar Avatar
    Vasundhara Dhar

    Hahaha….really unconventional….bt way too gud….nd u never knw someone might like it….😁

    Like

  3. Abhishek Singh Avatar
    Abhishek Singh

    @Meeky Scribbler I know what you did there! 😉

    Like

  4. Abhishek Singh Avatar
    Abhishek Singh

    @Vasundhara Dhar thanks. And I'm hoping the same. 😀

    Like

  5. Abhinav Singh Negi Avatar
    Abhinav Singh Negi

    Liked it 🙂

    Like

  6. Abhishek Singh Avatar
    Abhishek Singh

    Thanks @Abhinav 🙂

    Like

  7. Shobha Avatar
    Shobha

    Hahaha…U explained indifferent uses of plants n trees….amazing reality…😂

    Like

    1. Abhishek Singh Avatar
      Abhishek Singh

      Thanks. You should try it sometime :p

      Like

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