Disclaimer:
This article might be a little difficult to comprehend. You all are very smart, I’m very sure about it. But when I write articles, it’s usually way past midnight. When the darkness of the night engulfs the whole city, when people lie in their beds resting and/or doing kinky stuff, when rodents are busy with family planning, I am busy writing. I automatically get high at night, without doing anything. *Try talking to me post 1am* so just hold on, things will get better towards the end. And if they don’t, well, what else can you expect from a guy who is high.
It was 2:00 am. The clock was ticking prominently. I could hear its sound – Tick-tock-tick-tock, Tick-tock-tick-tock wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy! Grab the glasses, I’m out of the door. Whoa! Wait. What? Do not sing a girly song! I repeat do not sing a girly song. You’re a man. Act like one. Dignity bro dignity!
How did the tick-tock of a clock turn into Kesha’s song? Bewildered, right? Well, even I don’t know. There are numerous such questions I can’t answer. And this was just a meek snapshot of one of them.
I think about anything and possibly everything at night. A few months back, I was thinking that life is so unfair for us bespectacled people. We can never look cool on bikes. Never. The coolest thing which people do is that they ride a bike, reach the destination and then they just remove the helmet in the sexiest way possible, waving their hair and then do a slow-motion walk. And everyone is awestruck. Well, now imagine all of it again, but with a person with spectacles. He gets off the bike, opens the front glass of the helmet, removes his glasses, and then removes his helmet! In doing all this the sex appeal is brutally murdered. Even if he/she does seem sexy, they can’t see the reaction of the people. Get my point?
You know what? I’m batman! Totally! There are so many common things between us. He never sleeps, doesn’t have a girlfriend, loves gadgets and doesn’t have parents/relatives. Wait I have parents and an abundance of relatives. That means I can’t be a superhero? Hell yes, I can. I can be a superhero and my power will be my army of relatives. I’ll use my relatives both, as my shield and weapon. That’s cool, totally! I’ll have a girlfriend that my relatives would’ve gotten me. *sanskar you see*
Ours is the most time-saving generation of all. We tend to save time in almost everything we can. Take, for example, chatting. We omit vowels when typing, we use acronyms way more than anyone, but in doing so sometimes we mess it up. Like, lol is used to signify an extreme state of happiness. But, lol looks like a drowning man. How does one justify that a drowning man ignites the feeling of extreme happiness. Nonetheless, I’m Batman. Totally!
I should be a cool scientist, one for whom girls are crazy. I don’t want to be a crazy scientist with long hair and a beard. But, I like beards. They’re sexy. Does that mean I can’t be a crazy scientist? I think I can. There’s no protocol which says a crazy scientist should have a long beard. I’ll break this convention. I’m a convention breaker. Totally. But I’m Batman too. Wait, I’m a convention-breaking Batman. This is getting cooler with every second, unlike this hot weather. I need to change the pump of my cooler. It’s sultry in here. That girl I saw on the billboard was hot too! But, why does she have to be in a pan masala advertisement? Must have been an emergency. Poor girl!
Why is Shakespeare’s name Shakespeare? Did she shake every pear he could get his hands on? But, he also said what’s there in a name, so who cares. Hey! I care. I care about names. Ah, leave it. Shakespeare was British, right? He would have been a master at befriending girls with his sexy accent. Everyone loves a British accent. Girls dig it. So do many boys! And moreover Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway. Wow! He married cat woman. Wait! This means that he was the ancient Batman. Oh my Batman loving God! He was the British Batman. But, now I’m Batman. Does that mean…? No way… This can’t be true. I’ll scream any time now. I’m Shakespeare! But, I’m Batman too. Too much cool stuff happening here, things are getting out of control. I think the only solution is that I take up both the posts. Okay, so now I’m Batman and Shakespeare combined, or Batspeare. Hell yeah, this is cool.
I’ll write plays and poems in the daytime and will be Batman by night. But then how will I give time to Anna? Hah! I’m so stupid. I forgot that she’s cat woman too. She’ll be with me by the night. But, I’m shorter than her. Will she still marry me? What if she doesn’t? I think there’s just one option left. I’ll make a device that will make everyone on this planet proportionate to my height. No more 5’11 tall Deepika. She’ll be 5’3, even shorter than me. Bwahaha *evil laugh*
Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall. So he fell off a wall while he was sitting on it. Was he smoking pot or something? What on earth could be a possible reason for this? I don’t think there is a logical reason that can justify it. We are teaching small innocent kids things that are impossible. If the foundation is based on a false premise, how can we expect them to become a responsible and sane citizens? I should do something about it. I should file a PIL in the court regarding this. I think I should suggest them the corrected version too. What could it be?
“Humpty Dumpty sat on a disproportionate wall
Humpty Dumpty repositioned himself while sitting on the wall
In doing so, his body satisfied conditions of toppling* and,
He fell off the wall”
Humpty Dumpty repositioned himself while sitting on the wall
In doing so, his body satisfied conditions of toppling* and,
He fell off the wall”
*On the page’s footer I’ll refer to NCERT physics book for further details. That’s legit. Totally! I just saved the world. I’m a good superhero. I’m Batman! I should write poems for small kids. Oh yes! I should definitely do it. You know what I…
Abhishek Singh 
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