“You know what? Your cousin brother Sagar has a girlfriend! He used to pee in his pants on hearing his father’s footsteps. The same lad has come to this today! Can you believe it? He has declared that he’ll marry only her. My mother exclaimed. “At least we know it’s a girl. Don’t worry Maa. ” I chuckled.
So someone in my family had finally taken an unconventional step. I can’t recall any close relative of mine marrying someone they love. He’d be the first one to have a love marriage. Brave guy he is. This should ideally change the mindset of my family towards love marriage – fingers crossed!
One fine day my aunt called my mom up and told her that Aarti’s (my future sister in law) parents would be visiting us. My mother’s happiness knew no bound for she was too excited to meet them. Now, here is the thing with marriages and ladies – marriage is the one thing that overwhelms women truly, after diamonds and kids, of course. Just give them a faint hint that someone known to them is getting married and then see how their eyes sparkle with joy.
A whole hour after receiving call my aunt called, was spent on making my house more presentable. New bed sheets replaced older ones and I was instructed to clean the room as if my own future in laws were coming (My mother has a habit of emotionally torturing me!). After I was done with helping my mother in cleaning the room I was sent to get some snacks and cookies for the guests. This is what I don’t like. I put in a lot of efforts in getting these Samosas, cookies and other delicious snacks and no one thanks me, nor do they refuse to eat them so that I can get more to eat. However, there is nothing I can do in this.
Finally, after two hours they arrived with my uncle, aunt and brother. After a long introduction (which did not involve me because I am not that important, apparently.) they moved to the the drawing room. I went to get water for them. When I came back my uncle said, “Meet this poor boy. He is the younger son of Sagar’s mamaji (maternal uncle). He has to do all the household chores alone. He is fulfilling the duties of a sincere girl.” Saying this my uncle let out his demonic laughter and everyone followed his footsteps. I couldn’t understand what was funny about it? Somehow their laughter subsided. The elders soon started talking and were getting to know each other. After a while I went to help my mother with snacks and tea, while I was serving them my aunt quoted, “If Abhishek was a girl, we would be busy finding a suitable boy for him. Look at him, he is so obedient.” This is what I get in return of all the hospitality I offer.
I am used to these unusual complicated compliments now but the thing that was new to me, was meeting my brother’s in laws. They were pretty much normal people, but that fact that they were ‘in laws’ of my brother made them special. There was something different about it. However this did not inhibit my family from embarrassing me. Being the youngest in one’s family is a big advantage. But like every coin there’s a flip side. That one disadvantage balances all of the advantages we’ve got.
“Elders will always pull our leg irrespective of the situation. To them we are just a means of letting out their anger and making others believe that they are funny.”
That day was no different. They were supposed to talk about the marriage rituals and other important matters, but no! They all thought that making fun of me was clearly of higher priority. My whole childhood was stripped naked in front of them. All this would seem cute if you were small but once you are twenty you really don’t want people to know about your blackouts when faced by that beautiful teacher in first grade. Such jokes did fetch a big round of applause for my uncle who was on fire. In situations like these you badly want the 2012 apocalypse to happen.
Needless to say almost every secret of mine was extensively manipulated and revealed. It was like Sajid Khan making a biopic on me-everything was exaggerated and made no sense! I was helpless at that time. All I could do was to smile shamelessly, ignoring all that I could. After a while they went on to play the rapid fire round.
“He used to smile while peeing, always, even in his sleep!” my mother chuckled.
“Once we made him wear a frock. That was his favourite dress when he was one and a half year old.” This time it was my father.
This went on for fifteen more minutes after which I had to request them to stop for obvious reasons (Embarrassment ∝ Time).
To this my brother replied, “Shall we get you married then, after all you are a grownup now. Right?”
And this started another discussion in which I was married to almost every girl I’d ever met. I don’t know why elders do this. What good does this do? They were supposed to do something else but look at them! A few minutes back they were busy narrating embarrassing incidents about me and now they were awkwardly pairing me up with girls.
“Mamaji, how about that girl who always had a running nose? I mean he has sinus, she has a permanent cold. They’ll make a lovely pair. I wonder what ailment his children will have.” Yes my brother has a disgusting sense of humour.
“No Sagar, don’t do that to him. You know he loved that cute little girl with the three ponies. He always shared his toffees with her.” I seriously wanted to die at that moment.
And if all this happens to you, remember to never smile but laugh! Because if you smile, they will certainly pull a collective Awwwww and will then tease you more because to them you just ‘blushed’.
“Arre leave all that. Abhishek you tell us what kind of a girl you’d like? Maybe we can help.” The in-laws decided to help me.
I couldn’t answer to this properly as I had never thought about it. So they asked further which heroine I liked. So they could get a better idea. (Smart move, homies!)
“I like Priyanka Chop…” I hadn’t even finished the sentence when my brother said, “Priyanka Chopra! Seriously? Ha ha, you look half GoGo half Nandu (Shakti Kapoor’s role in Raja Babu) and you want a girl like her. Such a hypocrite you are Veenu (my nick name).”
Moments like these justify the high crime rate in India.
That day they unexpectedly did talk about the marriage, however the damage they did to me was irreparable. I being a brave child did not utter a single word against them and that one impromptu discussion about my marriage however hypothetical, did inflict some inconsolable damage on my psyche. I let them torture me, for I knew one thing, one simple thing, that all days are not the same. When I did stupid stuff they laughed at me and even after twenty years they made fun of me. Let time alone take the revenge. I’ll see my brother when he has kids and witness every funny incident that will happen with him and his child. Let me warn them that I will not come alone, I’ll come with a powerful weapon of mass exposure and destruction – ‘The DSLR’. *Evil laugh*. I’ll capture every incident and laugh at it every day, forever.
“As you sow, so shall you reap.” Period.
Abhishek Singh 
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